If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down