Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Follow me for more recipes
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you