If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I’m not stressed
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.