I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Catercrombie & Fish
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot