@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: The kids opened the "private" drawer in my nightstand. Me: THE drawer? Wife: Yeah. Great. There go our Oreos.

@BlairLoudly: Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?

@StarWarsProblms: [at the shooting range] Recruit: Sir, I missed every target. Officer: Perfect. *makes him a stormtrooper*

@mortimermaiden: Boss: Can I see you in my office? Me: Idk how dark is it?