high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
You Might Also Like
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Damn what did I do next
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Matt Goss
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I feel this so hard
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan