If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
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I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Fights fire with marshmallows
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence