There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
You Might Also Like
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
This is my cat’s medicine.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there