Smile Twitter, Smile.
You Might Also Like
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one