If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat