@TweetsByTheTony: If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you'll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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@ThisOneSayz: Me: I've had this for 3 weeks & I'm still single! HomeDepot Clerk: ma'am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall Me: that was unclear
@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
@Mirth_Quake: Because 'brunch' sounds better than 'I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.'