If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing