@_Mo_lee_: If you eat a pregnant girls food, you're required to have the baby for her
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@pbear79: If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son. I got 99 pizzas and you can't eat one.
@TheMichaelRock: Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.
@marinhubka: Shoe repair guy: so what happened? [cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet] Me: I stepped in a..puddle
@myonlymizztake: Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can't figure out where they hide the bodies.