If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
guilty
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
How actors in movies eat their food
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light