“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”