If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger