If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house