if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
See..?
.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.