if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
😆this is so true
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now