if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
You Might Also Like
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.