@HelloJessicaFox: If you encounter a bear DON'T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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@canadasandra: What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
@BillPelicanBros: *job interview* Boss: Give an example of when you've done something creative Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the application form
@shitshowdotinfo: age 14: guys, watch this i'm gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing] age 25: [googling 'is the way i'm wearing my guitar strap hurting my back']
@truegritrumble: ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital. OTHER PARENT: You're parenting wrong.