If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
craving $300 all of a sudden
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
why isn’t he texting back
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.