@HelloJessicaFox: If you encounter a bear DON'T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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@trevso_electric: Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
@Parkerlawyer: *buys almond milk* "I'm gonna get healthy!" *drinks almond milk* "This is gross." *pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk* "Perfect."
@tastefactory: COP:Do u know how fast u were going ME: The posted speed limit, 495 COP: Sir that's the route number, i don't even know how I caught up to u