@HelloJessicaFox: If you encounter a bear DON'T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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@murrman5: [to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don't they "no" [she laughs for no reason] AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
@travisauruss: Blood is thicker than water. But maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. I said it.
@GibJimson: Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own. Then eat it in front of them.
@markleggett: Approach a woman in a bar and whisper "Hey, wanna get out of here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.