@DrBacos: Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We're just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

@Donna_McCoy: I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as "safe" on Facebook.

@Book_Krazy: Nick's coming over Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he's a scorpion? *Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@ShesARealGenius: [FIRST DATE] Me, opening mouth seductively: "And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

@Marlebean: Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well... except when it rains.