@vladchoc: Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU

@OfficialMizGin: Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women. If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.

@NervousJr: People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.

@AndyAsAdjective: I scream "You haven't seen the last of me!" & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away. The pharmacist smiles kindly.