@SergioValenCo: If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.
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@slimmy_shady: Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
@AndyAsAdjective: My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me.
@peachesanscream: To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.