@slimmy_shady: Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

@AndyAsAdjective: My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me.

@NYC_Blonde: "We're up all night to get Loki" -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

@peachesanscream: To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@JohnLyonTweets: One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.