If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
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At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.