if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Pretty much! 😂👀
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.