If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
no cat here
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”