If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.