Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
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I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
This line from Airplane.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”