Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
They’re on their honeymoon
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.