Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
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Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.