If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I’ve been learning to cook.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Me too door. Me too.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]