If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
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Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.