@Wine_Honey1: If you ever come home and I'm in your house naked, I'm not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.
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@jonnysun: [god creatig god] GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent ANGEL: ok… GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists ANGEL: ru sure GOD: trust me
@est1975blog: I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn't see it
@CulturedRuffian: INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY: 1.Know when to hold em 2.Know when to fold em 3.Know when to walk away 4.Know when to run
@AbbyHasIssues: 1. Rage against the machine. 2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in. 3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.