@Wine_Honey1: If you ever come home and I'm in your house naked, I'm not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.
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@amydillon: All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I'm trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
@DirtMcTurd: If my girl didn't want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn't have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
@noog: Batman Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred Cons: Robin
@politicalmath: I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.