@Wine_Honey1: If you ever come home and I'm in your house naked, I'm not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.
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@pizzasauceboss: *wakes up early* *goes for morning jog* *calls wife to pick him up because he's made a terrible mistake*
@ShortSleeveSuit: Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer? Me: I'll go out with you *finger guns* for free
@bobvulfov: DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
@trevso_electric: Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.