First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
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Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade