you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
For the baby who has everything
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me trying to look natural in photos
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.