If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.