@krautsider: If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You're welcome.
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@desi_princess: Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.
@954LeenO: I dont pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober I've pretended to be sober a few times
@primawesome: My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
@dafloydsta: [on Dating Game] HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing? [I glance at the stains on my shirt] ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.