If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Time heals everything 🙂
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered