If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned