If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
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He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket