True dat! 😂😂😂😂
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.