A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
so i’m at the stock market right
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!