If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/