@SirEviscerate: If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you're resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
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@TheAlexP: A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
@onedavedeep: Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"
@11MyJam: Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach. Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
@GeriatricBeards: [Being kidnapped] Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome kidnapper: its been 10 minutes me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?