If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
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Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.