If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?