If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book