If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
This guy gets it.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
men, we mow at sunrise.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”