@DamonHunzeker: If you ever get attacked by a shark, don't forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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@RealPrincessKim: Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.
@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I'm afraid-" *Wife crying* "I'm afraid your husband is in a better place now." *cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
@LoneWolfStories: If I'm your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.