Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.