People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
You Might Also Like
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding