@JonnyStallone: If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name amen"
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@melpraktis: When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
@rockymomax: Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt
@Playing_Dad: *turns on shower* *shower whispers "eat donuts for breakfast" & "get drunk tonight"* Me: Wow, that's some serious water pressure
@ventivodkacran: I have too much stuff in my closet, so no one can be certain Tom Cruise isn't hanging out in there, too.