If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
good morning
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.