I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
im 7 sauces long
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.