@Parentpains: If you ever hear me say that I missed you it's only because I have bad aim.
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@1Bad_Scientist: Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv! Me: Oh. No that's just for when I run out of toilet paper.
@BigBagOfScum: A fun thing to do is comment "that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
@BromanConsul: I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer "Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank"